Coming Back To You
by All-Too-Gay19
Summary: AU (No Will/Henry) Post '200'. Emily/JJ paring. Emily comes back to rescue JJ and after she's home safely JJ realizes she doesn't want the woman to return to London. Feelings are shared but Emily still has to go- only to return to the blonde who's slowly breaking down because of the pain she suffered at the hands of her torturers. Only Emily can make the situation better..
1. Chapter 1

_"How long more have we got you for Prentiss?"_ Hotch asks as we stand around drinking that evening and Emily sighs, her eyes locking with mine

_"Six hours"_

Rossi and the others start speaking again but I'm only focused on Emily, seeing her again has brought back everything, how I felt before she left for France, before I went on the job... everything.

She can't leave again, go back to London. I can't let her go.

Would she stay, just for me? Really.

When I was locked up, at the hands of that bastard, Emily was the one who got me through. I imagined her whispering gentle words of support and love in my ear. I imagined her crouching over me, a smell catching my senses, violets and something that's just Emily, caressing my cheek.

She got me through one of the worst times of my life- I'm not letting her leave me again.

Penelope notices I'm out of sorts, I know by the glances I'm getting from the woman and she undoubtedly knows it's the brunettes presence that's messing with my emotions

"You okay Jayje..." I feel her callous fingers grip my wrist and when I look up she gives me a half smile "you're quiet"

"I'm fine Em, really... it's just been a long day"

"Oh please Jen, I've been away for a while, I'm not an idiot. There's something else"

She slips my almost empty wine glass from my hand and takes mine in her own, a friendly gesture to her but one that means so much more to me

"Please, don't shut me out.."

I nod and meet her pleading eyes "You Em, this is about you" I tell her and what strikes me is that she doesn't look surprised, in fact all she does is nods and gives my hands a gentle squeeze, that is until she builds up the nerve to talk-

"Is this about what happened in Paris? What we ignored when I came back? JJ, that night, you left me, you could've stayed-"

"No, I couldn't and you know that! You were on the run and I had to go back to work! ..Emily, we had one night together and you've haunted me ever since- that's not normal. I-I should've gotten over you-" she cuts off my rant by bringing one hand up and touching my cheek

"It's perfectly normal. Jennifer, there hasn't been one day I haven't thought of you, not one and when Aaron called and told me you were missing I swear, I could've cried- and you know I'm not a crier" she chuckles softly but we keep eye contact as she continues "I've missed you and I hate leaving again but you know that I can't stay"

I run my hand through my flowing blonde hair "But Em, why?"

"Because, my job-"

"You know your job is here. You work with the BAU Emily, say what you want about London and that head office but you're heart is here, with us" I lower my voice to just above a whisper, not wanting the others to hear "with me"

She sighs "You know I love you Jen but I can't drop everything and run-"

"You did here. You left us Emily and I hate you for it.. or, I hated you for it. Now, I don't know how I feel"

"Come for a walk with me?" She asks scanning the room "just for a few minutes, we can talk better in private"

"Won't they miss you?" I ask looking to the team at the bar and she shakes her head

"We'll be back quick enough, just hurry before we do actually catch their attention"

She leads me from the warmth of the crowded bar out into the chilled wind and as I shiver slightly, my outfit not keeping me adequately warm, Emily's coat is draped around my shoulder

I look back to her and I see that beautiful pearly smile, her real smile- the one permanently on her face that night in Paris

"You looked cold" she whispers and I nod, giving her a similar smile to her own

"Thank you. So, what're we talking about then?"

"You know what we're talking about JJ" she says bluntly and I bite my lip, as much as I wanted this conversation to happen I'm now terrified, reluctant to continue in case something goes wrong

"Em, I don't want you to go back, I don't understand why you have to go"

-especially when I _need_ you here

"Jayje-"

"No Emily, you need to let me talk because if I don't I won't tell you this stuff. I love you, God, I love you so much and I need you here. I know, that probably doesn't convince you to stay but you make me feel safe, I need you here because I'm scared without you around"

She moves in closer to me, so close I can almost feel her heart pounding in her chest

"You don't have to be scared Jennifer. I'll always have you" her arm loops around my still tender waist and she holds me close for several minutes and then pulls back "I came straight from London for you, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone but Jen but I can't just drop work. I need to go back, even just for a few weeks. I'm sorry"

"No, I understand" I sigh, cherishing the feeling of her hand in my own "you'll come back here though, right?"

She nods pressing her lips to mine and after a long drawn kiss she pulls back, a satisfied smile on her lips

"I'll come back Jen, as soon as I can. I'm sorry I can't just stay"

"No, don't be ridiculous, you do need to go. I can't expect you to stay- just come back"

"To you? Definitely"


	2. Chapter 2

I shoot awake, my heart racing as well as my mind

Oh God, I ache all over.

In the nightmare I could feel everything that happened again, I could feel Askari's blows to my stomach, I could feel Hastings hands caressing my hips as they threatened Cruz.

I need Em.

I grab my cell and without thinking call her number

After a few rings the call connects and I hear her soft voice fill my ears

"Jayje? Honey, everything alright?"

I shouldn't have called her, what do I say now? I'll seem weak, I don't want to look that way with her- more than I already do.

"I-I had a nightmare and well, I... don't know why I called, I just wanted to talk I guess"

"You were right to call Jen, actually, I was going to call you later anyway, I have some news"

My heart rate slows and our light conversation

"Oh yeah? News.." I clear my throat, my voice stronger now I'm not thinking of the nightmare

"I transferred back to Quantico, to the BAU. I'll be home in the next couple of weeks"

My heart soars, she'll be home soon! I can see her everyday again. I can finally relax and not feel so on edge all the time

"Emily that's wonderful!"

"I've missed you Jen, I really can't wait to get back to you, the two weeks I've been gone have been hard enough.. was it bad tonight?" She asks and I nod, despite her not being able to see me through the phone

"It wasn't great Em, I mean.. I don't know"

"It felt real? Like it was happening all over again?" Her voice drops to a whisper and I'm astounded to hear her accurate description of the situation

Then it hits me, she suffered after Doyle, of course she did and she must've went through something like this too

"Yeah, that's exactly it. How did you make it stop Em?"

"It took time, patience.. You can do it Jen, you're strong, strong enough to get through it, I know you are"

Am I? Really. I really disagree.

"Jayje, you can do it" she says after a minutes silence and her words of support do really help me, I don't feel as down as I have over the last couple weeks, Emily really helps me

"I don't think I can Em" I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks and I run my fingers over my bruised wrists

The bruises have changed over the last couple of weeks, some are nearly faded but some- the bad ones- are staying a strong shade of purple

"You can Jen, listen to me, you've never given up- after Tobias Hankel, all the nightmares you had over Reid then, over me in Paris-"

"You knew?"

"JJ, I lay awake that night, I couldn't sleep even if I wanted too and well, you were crying for me in your sleep- you begged Doyle to stop, I took an educated guess"

"I didn't want you to hear that" I say and she sighs audibly

"Jennifer, you do realize you can let your guard down around me? I'm you're best friend and more, I want you to be comfortable around me. Admitting to nightmares shouldn't be an issue honey"

"Sorry, I'm just... guarded I guess"

I hear mumbling behind Emily and she answers a polite 'yes' and turns her attention back to me

"Jen, I'm so sorry I have to go, listen, I'll call you tomorrow okay? Remember, you're a lot stronger than you think alright? You can get through them nightmares"

I smile and pull the comforter around me further, imagining her arms pulling me into their warmth "Thank you Emily, I really needed you tonight"

"I'm always here when you need me"

xx

"Sugarplum, are you alright?" Pen asks me as we sit together in her small office sharing coffee early the next morning and I sigh

"Yeah, I mean... I will be"

Her perfectly groomed eyebrows furrow and she pulls my chair closer to hers "C'mon Jayje, talk to me"

I bite my lip and push some of my hair behind my ear, not daring to meet the quirky woman's eyes

"If I tell you you can't tell the team- not even Derek"

She has her undivided attention on me now, she knows this is something big

"Okay, I-I won't breathe a word of it JJ"

"Emily's coming home" I can't help the smile that spreads across my face and Penelope's face drops in complete shock

"Our Em?! Is coming back here! JJ oh my God!" She's shrieking, to a level high enough that I'm sure if she goes any higher only dogs could hear her

"You can't tell anybody, Hotch doesn't even know yet.. it's complicated"

"I won't say a word.. Wait, how are you feeling about all this? Did you talk to her"

"She knows Pen, she knows"

"And?!"

I smile, sipping my coffee "When she gets back we'll see what happens"

**AN: Hi everyone, I appreciate all the support! Reviews make me upload faster so make sure you keep them up ^_^**


	3. Chapter 3

_His vicious snarls fill my ears as he caresses my hips_

_"There's a good girl" he praises and it feel physically sick, my skins crawling knowing what he's about to do to me_

_I need to fight!_

_I pull against the restraints holding me upright, desperately trying to get away from his evil touch_

_"Please, please don't, don't"_

_It's no use, begging really is pointless, he's going to do this here in front of Cruz and Askari, take advantage of me_

_He rips my pants off, leaving me in just my underwear below the waist and realize how chilly the room actually is_

_I briefly glance towards Mateo, who's eyes meet mine_

_"Don't do it" I say to him and he bites his lip but nods after I mouth "please"_

_Michael looks back to Mateo and smirks "that your little boyfriend Jennifer? Trying to block me out. Once you have me anything he does will be less than adequate"_

_I force my eyes closed, wishing I'd fall into unconsciousness for this, I try thinking of other people but nothing can make this pain go away_

_No amount of mind over matter bullshit will help me now_

_"Michael please! Don't do this! Stop, please..."_

I burst into tears as soon as my eyes open and attempt to adjust to the dimly lit room

I fell asleep reading, again..

I sigh, wiping away my steadily falling tears- I'm so weak!

I sob into myself, using the duvet to wipe my cheeks- I can't keep this up. Every night, every damn night my mind conjures up plot twists, like a sick story, I dream of what would have happened if Cruz didn't hand over his code, I dream of his brutal attack on my body- one that never happened

The light from the bedside lamp begins to aggravate my head, resulting in a gentle pounding beginning at the back of my head and traveling forward. I hit the switch, knocking the light out leaving the room in complete darkness apart from the light of my clock radio next to the lamp

I want to call her, hear her soft, soothing voice that without fail calms me down but I know I can't, she's working really hard on her last case over in London and well, to be very honest, I don't want her to worry about me or think I'm crazy

I mean, I'd kinda get it the the nightmares were flashbacks but this, this is coming from no where. I've never been sexually assaulted- it's been attempted more times than I care to think about but it never really happened

I curl in close to my duvet, cherishing the heat covering me and I attempt to drift back into my restless sleep, praying the nightmares will stay away for the rest of the night- it's not very likely though..

xx

I take another large gulp of the steaming hot coffee given to me by Morgan earlier and sigh, wishing I'd have gotten more sleep than I actually did

"JJ, are you alright?" Spencer asks as he walks into my office, file in hand and as he sits in opposite me I leave the cup down, meting his eyes

"Yeah Spence, I'm just tired" I admit to the genius who of course knows exactly why

"Nightmares bothering you" it's not a question, I know it's not so instead of covering up I nod, but opt not to go into detail

"Yeah, they'll fade, they always do"

He nods and leaves the manilla folder down on my desk, then goes to leave, pausing at the door

"If you need to talk Jayje, I'm here"

I smile at his offer "Thanks Spence"

He leaves and after a minute of blissful silence, the only peace I get disturbed by my cell, yet when I check the name all that anger building up instantly drops

"Emily, hi" I smile saying her name and I hear the stress in her voice as she greets me

"Jen, hiya"

"Rough day?" I ask remembering the time difference, it's later where she is, around 8pm- she should be back at her hotel by now, although, that doesn't mean she is

"Yeah, rough is an understatement" I hear her light groan and what I assume is her shoes thudding against the floor "I really can't wait to be back in the US"

I smile, she's excited about coming home "Date set yet?"

"Hotch was called today I think, I'm pretty sure it'll be in the next week- probably after this case"

I nod, knowing she can't just abandon her job over there "I can't wait for you to be back either Em, I miss you"

"They're bad again"

I roll my eyes, everything's about these stupid nightmares "Can't I say I miss you without there being some ulterior motive? Not everything's about my fucked up mind!"

"Hey! Don't you say that" she cuts in "putting yourself down like that isn't right. You've been through a lot, it's only natural that you'll have nightmares or flashbacks, it's your minds way of coping with what your body endured"

I run my hand through my hair, she's right. I really shouldn't snap at her, I just feel so worn out, I'm hardly sleeping, eating- I'm living on air and caffeine

"Sorry, Emily, sorry... I'm just stressed out and tired, I shouldn't be snapping at you" I amend

"You promise me you'll talk to somebody? If things are that bad that you're hardly sleeping I want you to start seeing somebody to help, just to talk"

My eyes widen, yeah, she thinks I'm insane!

"I-I, Emily I don't need anybody. I'm fine the way I am- actually there's one person I do need- you. When you get back everything will be fine"

She sounds unimpressed at my answer "Jennifer, I only want what's best for you while I'm not around and once I get back home things might not improve-"

"Yeah well let's just wait! Emily, I'm not crazy, I'm able to deal with this- nothing that bad even happened to me! I'm fine"

"JJ, do you know how many times I used that stupid 'I'm fine' line? How many timed I lied to people who were just trying to help me- you included. I'm sick of saying it and hearing it. You really need to talk to me.."

I need to talk to her?! She just said I need therapy!

"Emily I have to go-"

"JJ, don't hang up on me-"

I disconnect the call, my heart thumping, I'm overreacting, I know I am but I don't want her to have to think like that with me, I don't want her to have to think I'm weak, to know I am. I don't need therapy,

**_I'm not crazy_**.

**AN: So! What did everyone think? Do you think JJ overreacted by hanging up, I mean, Emily isn't even around so what can she know? (That could be an issue too though... JJ has the opportunity to be hiding just how bad everything really is?) **

**Let me know what you all think and thank you for your continuous support! Keep the reviews up ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4

I pull what was my favorite sweater around me as I lay in bed, now it's oversized and baggy, not at all flattering.

I sigh as I look to the mirror hanging on the bedroom wall,and I take in my appearance. Emily's due home tomorrow and I don't look remotely healthy and I know that'll be the first thing she notices

My lack of food or any nourishing drinks have made my already small body, smaller. My ribs and collar bones are painfully obvious and I'm a lot paler than before too

Emily will be disgusted by me. She'll insist I go get help.

How can I go get help? How could I go talk about something that I have no clue about. I'm just so confused about my own body! I don't want help because I wouldn't know what help to look for.

I feel disconnected from life.

I'm not hungry, ever. I force down a couple of mouthfuls of food a day and that's just to make sure I don't pass out in work with everyone watching

I don't know why this is happening. After I got home, sure, I wasn't hungry but I thought it was tiredness, shock, pain- but even now, three weeks later it hasn't worn off. I feel as sick now as I did trapped down in that basement

It's really not fun.

My cell blares, startling me slightly and I pray as I reach to retrieve it from the locker that it isn't work calling

I check the caller ID, Em.

I smile and connect the call "Hey Emily" I say softly, things still a little tense between us after the fight earlier in the week

"Hi Jen, I'm calling from the plane"

"Oh right okay, so everything's alright?"

"Yeah, well we haven't taken off yet or anything but I'm all boarded up. It's about an eleven hour flight from Heathrow so I'll call down to see you all when I get back- I have to talk to Aaron actually"

"You'll need to start calling him Hotch again Em, Aaron wont cut it in the workplace"

I hear her light chuckle and the smile in her voice as she replies "Oh don't worry after five minutes there it'll feel like I never left, it'll all naturally fall back into place"

"I missed you" I sound so needy and dependent when I say it but I'm not lying, I have missed her, a lot

"I missed you too Jayje. Won't be long now- listen I have to go, we've to turn off our phones, I'll call you when I land, okay?"

"Great. Thanks for calling Em"

"No problem. Oh and JJ? When we get back I need to talk to you about how you're sleeping"

I sigh, of course my issues had to be mentioned "Okay" is all I reply, deciding not to argue with her now, I'm sure later there'll be enough of that.

"Bye Jay"

xx

It's just after 3pm when she arrives into my office, I don't notice of course because I'm working away on my files

"Hey hard-worker, you gonna say hello or what?"

I smile seeing her standing in the doorway, a beautiful deep purple blouse on, by how she looks you wouldn't think she just stepped off an eleven hour flight

"Emily, wow you look surprisingly awake for someone who's should really be jet lagged"

"Well, I assume it's because of the amount of time we spend on that jet, I've gotten used to it" she tells me dropping her bag by my desk and sitting in across from me "so, any new cases or anything?"

"Actually, we might have something coming up. Detectives in New York have 3 killings in a week, same MO. They said if they don't get anything from the leads they think they have they'll officially call us in"

She nods and as we sit in an uncomfortable silence I feel her eyes burn into me, she's staring at me. I hate it.

"Stop" I whisper out, my voice breaking

"Stop what-" she sounds innocent enough but I could feel her eyes on me

"Staring at me. Emily I know okay, I don't look good and to be really honest I feel as bad as I must look but right now I don't want to talk about it"

She stays quiet for at least a minute and suddenly reaches out, taking my left hand into her right one

"JJ, I'm worried about you"

I don't think I've ever heard Emily say anything like that. She has a tough exterior, a hard shell that takes time and persistence to crack even a little but I think she's beginning to open up properly with me

She's worried. I made her concerned.

God, I'm so selfish, of course she worried

"Emily, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have worried you. I'm okay... See" I give a smile, a false over enthusiastic one that she sees straight through

"Jennifer stop it. It's me you're talking to now, not Hotch or Garcia- people who will believe the crap you feed them. I know you aren't okay. Please, trust me and talk to me"

I nod, she's right, the team did believe what I said, I was convincing enough. I should've known she wouldn't have believed it, She knows me better than my family do at this stage.

"Can we talk later? Not in work?"

She nods, hesitantly, but she nods "Okay. We also need to talk about what's going on with us when you feel up to it"

I leave down my pen, my full attention on her "That I can discuss here" I flash her a shy smile and she pulls her chair in closer to the table, lowering her voice just in case we are interrupted

"Did you mean what you said?" She asks me and I pause, not sure what she's talking about

"I talk a lot Em, that'll need to be narrowed down"

She smirks and rolls her eyes "The night I left, you told me you loved me. You meant it didn't you?"

"Of course I did" I tell her and I see the insecurity in her eyes fade- only slightly "I do love you Emily, so much"

She doesn't say anything, neither of us do, until I speak again a minute later "You said it in Paris when you thought I was asleep" I say, for no particular reason, it's more a reminder than anything and Emily smiles

"I did think you were asleep" she says smiling "I didn't think you heard me"

"I did. Did you mean it then?"

"As much as I mean it now"

I snigger to myself "Emily Prentiss you are so smooth, I mean, wow, how sweet"

"It's true though, I do love you Jen"

"I love you too honey but I just need to tell you, I don't want to go into detail here as I said, but lately things have gotten bad with me. If we were to get together properly Em, I'm pretty sure things won't run very smoothly"

She takes my hand "Jen, listen, we can go into detail later but I love you for you. I know you have some issues- it's understandable after everything JJ that you would- but the issues don't make me love you any less. You can overcome them with time and patience and of course, my love- if you're willing to let me help?"

I'm crying by the end of her little speech, my overwhelming emotions coming to the surface

"Please help"


	5. Chapter 5

I must've dozed off in the cab home because when I wake up Emily is carrying me in the door of my apartment

"Em?" I ask, confusion obvious but it disappears when I see her soft smile

"Hey, you woke up. You were tired so I tried to let you sleep"

She sits me up in the couch, her eyes moving around the living room "You've redecorated"

I scoff "Emily, before everything, you were the only person who called over to my apartment, after you went to London I kinda gave up cleaning for myself"

"I cleaned my apartment in London for the first time ever when I was leaving" she sniggers "the place was a dump Jen, really horrible"

"So, you wanna talk I guess?" I say to her after an awkward silence and her eyes widen slightly

"We don't have to tonight Jayje if you don't feel like it. If you'd like we can just hang out?"

"I think I'll just talk to you, get it out of the way" I tell her and she nods sitting in beside me, taking my hand

"Whenever you're ready Jen"

I gather myself, preparing to admit to the woman I love how low I've been feeling, how fucked up I've been since she left

"I'm not sleeping- I can't really, nightmares"

She nods "Okay, about what? Obviously them but.. what's happening?"

"Uh- that's actually difficult to answer. Some of them are flashbacks really, things that happened down there.." I don't continue and after a minute Emily's eyes meet mine

"The others?"

"I dream about what'd happen if Cruz didn't give them the code- if you didn't get there when you did. I dream that Hastings gets his opportunity to rape me"

Emily's slight gasp makes me look up and meet her eyes that are now glassy and bright with unshed tears

"Oh JJ, that's horrible"

I nod, fiddling with the small silver charm bracelet on my arm "It's hard Em"

"Of course it is Jen, it has to be, but listen to me alright? I don't care when it is, what time, where we are- call me, wake me up, I'll come straight over-"

"-Emily, I know, this probably sounds weird but could you maybe stay here? I-I.. hate it, sounding so dependent on you but I'd feel so much safer if you could stay for a couple of days?" I ask and she nods, squeezing my hand

"I'll stay for as long as you need me too Jen, you don't even need to ask. Oh- and by the way, by as dependent as you'd like, I don't mind helping you JJ"

"...Still, I feel kinda bad"

"Don't Jen" she tells me "I'm your best friend- and partner, I'm here to help. If you can't depend on me who can you depend on?"

I smile and press my lips to her cheek "I love you. Thank you for not leaving"

"I have no reason to leave Jennifer. I'm sure I'll need your help at some stage too. Don't feel bad for needing a little help. Actually- can I ask you something else?"

I nod and she continues, albeit tentatively "A-Are you okay. You look really...bad, no offense"

"Yeah.. I haven't been hungry Em, haven't been eating as well as I should be. I know I look bad, I've lost a lot of weight. It'll get better"

"Not if you ignore it it won't" she tells me and I sigh, knowing she's right but is her idea of not ignoring my problem getting professional help?

"Emily, I-I don't want therapy for this" I tell her and her eyes widen

"Oh, Jen, that's not what I meant- at least not straight away anyway. We can try and work through this together and well if it doesn't work then, we'll see where we can go from there. Okay?"

"Yeah. Thanks Emily. I really appreciate it"

I yawn and Emily runs her hand over my back "You need to try and get some sleep Jen"

"M'kay" I agree lazily and she helps me to my feet, leading me down to my bedroom

Before I know it she has me tucked up in bed and as she places a soft kiss to my cheek I smile "Night Emily"

"Goodnight JJ"

**AN: Okay, I know that was horribly short but the next chapter will make up for it ^_^  
Thank you all so much for your support! Please keep the reviews up!**


	6. Chapter 6

_It's dark. I attempt to open my eyes but nothing changes, I'm still in complete darkness. I can't hear anything either which terrifies me._

_I try to bring my hand to my face and then I realize I'm chained up- oh God, I'm back here again._

_My breathing quickens, I need to get out, I need to get away from him._

_My hearts thumping in my chest the more I try to release the grip the cuffs have on me- cutting up my wrists in the process_

_That's when I feel it- his contact with me. His hands caress my hips through my black pants and I hear the evil dripping from his voice as he tries to calm me_

_"Don't baby, you love it, fighting isn't necessary"_

_The tears I've been battling so hard to hold in, just to come across strong, come rolling down my cheeks_

_"P-Please, Michael, don't do it, please"_

_He sniggers and I feel my pants fall down around my ankles. He's not going to stop, I can't stop him._

_I feel sick._

_"Michael, please-"_

_His fist connects with my right jaw, effectively shutting me up for enough time for him to get my shirt and underwear off_

_I'm chained naked in front of him, still in complete darkness. Maybe it's best I can't see him? I struggle to find any positive in this situation really._

_"Shut it Jareau, you know you deserve this!"_

_"M-Michael please! No! Stop!"_

"JJ WAKE UP!"

I'm hyperventilating when I do wake and to my complete relief I find Emily beside me, stroking my sweaty tangled hair, attempting to calm me down

"It's alright Jayje, it's over. You're okay. Breathe, in and out, like this" she presses my hand against her chest letting me feel her slow rhythmic breaths and after I minute I start copying her, calming to an acceptable level

"That's it. Well done Jen" she interlocks our fingers and I lean in closer to her, ending up cuddled into her, her arms around me

I lie in her embrace so thankful she's home. If I had a nightmare like that and then woke up alone I don't know what I'd have done..

The tears are still streaking my cheeks and Emily's free hand is still brushing through my hair

"I'm sorry" I mumble after a minute and her eyes meet mine

"For what exactly?" She sounds genuinely confused and I bite my lip

"Ya know, I woke you and you must've been afraid when you ran in and saw me like this"

She shakes her head "I was concerned, but not scared JJ. Are you alright?"

I nod, burying in even closer to her, just to be sure she's there, that this isn't some twisted nightmare "I'm alright now"

"You need to try and sleep again honey" she pulls the duvet up over us and after a minute, when I'm almost asleep again I whisper

"You don't have to stay"

I'm surprised to feel her lips leave a barely there kiss to mine "I want to protect you. I love you"

I want to reply but I nod off before I get the chance- she knows I feel the same.

xx

I wake up to the smell of pancakes and coffee- a smell that almost makes my stomach turn

I haven't eaten a full square meal in weeks and well the thoughts of eating this one is making me feel physically sick- as sweet as Emily was to make it for me

She's going to be upset if I don't eat- both because of the effort she put in and her concern for me

I sigh and wrap my dressing gown around my petit, chilly body- another disadvantage of the lost weight, I'm constantly cold

I walk down the hall to the kitchen and when I see her cooking away, singing along with the radio I smile

She looks so at ease compared to how she is usually. She really looks stunning in my black silk pajamas

I knock at the kitchen door, turning her attention to me

"Jen, I made breakfast" she smiles gesturing around her to the pancakes on the plate and all the cooking utensils piled up in the sink

"I see that. It looks lovely Emily, thank you"

I sit at the breakfast bar watching her dish up the fruit and pancakes and she passes me a plate

"There you go" she smiles softly sitting in across from me her own plate in hand

I play with the food, not being hungry and I feel Emily's eyes on me the whole time

After about ten minutes Emily's clearly fed up with me playing with the food and not eating it and I can tell from her first words that this will turn into an argument

"JJ, you need to eat something"

I look from the cold pancakes to her and back again "I'm not hungry Em, I'm sorry, I know you went to a lot of trouble"

She shakes her head "Jen you need to try and eat something, I mean, since I've been home you haven't eaten a thing. I'll reheat your stuff, just try a little bit?"

I nod, although I know that this isn't going to happen I genuinely don't feel hungry- she's right though, I do need to eat

She back after a minute the food in hand "Please, just a little bit" he voice is soft, almost pleading and I realize I need to try this for her

I cut up the reheated food and make myself eat a couple of forkfuls of the pancake as well as some of the fruit- which is more than I've eaten in a while

"I'm full Emily" I mumble, pushing the plate away and I feel Emily's hand slip into mine

"That's a lot Jen, well done"

It's nice to hear but I know she doesn't mean it, how can she mean that?  
'Well done'- I shouldn't have to be congratulated on eating a quarter of a meal. This is ridiculous.

I need to just get over myself.


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: Thank you so much for the continued support- I'd appreciate some more reviews, letting me know what everyone thinks.**

"Are you sure you're up to this?" Emily asks me as I gather my case files together and I sigh, so sick of hearing this, if it's not Emily asking it's the team- Hotch

He called me into his office after the briefing and told me that nobody on the team would think any less of me if I stood back on this one

I hate this. The team are walking on eggshells around me because of what happened and I don't need them too - I'm fine.

"Emily, I swear to God if I hear that one more time.." I shove the files into my bag and slam it closed. I want to leave, and as I walk past her she grabs my wrists, stopping me walking away- which makes me freeze

"E-Emily- let go" I stutter out and she immediately drops my wrists

"Jayje, sorry. I-I didn't-"

"Just please. Stop being so worried about me. I'm okay. I just need a little time to deal with this, okay? Stop asking if I'm 'up to' doing my job, if I wasn't I wouldn't go and work on the case"

She nods, slipping my briefcase from my grasp "I'll carry it Jen"

We rush out of the office out to the Jeep that'll take us to the jet and I sit into the passenger seat beside Hotch who's driving, leaving Emily in the back alone- the others all opting to ride with Morgan in the other Jeep, again, I think it was for my benefit, not to crowd me- put me under too much pressure

I bite my lip, toying with the sleeve of my shirt and after a minute I notice Hotchs eyes flicking between me and the road

"JJ, everything alright?" He asks after several glances and I nod

"Fine Hotch, thanks. Just tired, I'll sleep on the jet"

He nods, dropping it and I feel Emilys hand massage my shoulder, the tension literally drains from me and I lean back feeling more relaxed right here than I've felt in weeks

I can't wait to just get on the jet and lie down with Emily, relax.

I froze with her in the office earlier, when she grabbed me. I know she didn't mean any harm by it, she wanted to stop me walking away from a conversation we will need to have but I did tense. I think she feels bad, she's been very quiet, I make a mental note to talk to her later

xx

It's deathly quiet on the flight, most of the team are sound asleep, apart from Emily and Derek who are playing chess on the opposite end of the plane

I had to talk her into leaving my side, she must've asked about twenty times if I was sure it was okay she went and played chess. I told her it was fine but I know she was still reluctant to leave me

I'm tired, absolutely exhausted but I really don't want to sleep on the jet, what If I have a nightmare? The whole team would be treating me even more protectively than they are now.

Being awake is nearly worse if I'm honest, little things trigger mini flashbacks, certain sounds- my cuffs rattling for example, terrifies me. Certain words make me jump- Emily called me 'baby' last night, yes, not very Emily I'm aware but it was very nice to hear- until it reminded me of him.

_'Don't baby, you love it, fighting isn't necessary'_

I swallow thickly and push myself up onto unsteady legs and make my way to the jets small kitchen area, deciding to get myself a glass of water

I grab the glass and as I walk back to sink the jet hits turbulence, sending my glass on its path straight to the floor

The glass smashes against planes floor but thankfully nobody sleeping is disturbed by it- Derek looks down enquiring if I'm alright and I nod, explaining that I dropped the glass and he accepts my explanation, turning his attention back to the chess game

I gather up the shards of glass and as I go to throw them into the trash I pause, fingering a rather large piece that broke off- I've often heard of people considering doing something like this, a release I've heard it being called but I never considered it properly until now.

Could I really hurt myself?

Honestly though, what could it do that's any worse than how I'm feeling now? I feel like I'm trapped in hell- maybe this can help.

I know one thing, I can't do it here. I cover the larger piece of glass in a couple of sheets of kitchen paper and shove it into my pocket

I'll think about it.. I think I have my mind made up though

xx

My mind isn't at all on the case, Spencer and Derek are talking to Hotch about what's happening, they're following up on some leads- hoping they can find who's responsible for the now 6 murders

I want to give my best to this case- and it's not for ethical reasons either, I want to show them (Emily especially) I'm able for this.

"-JJ, hello, are you even listening" Derek calls, attracting my attention and I nod

"S-Sorry Derek, I'm listening, go ahead" I tell him and Hotch interrupts, dragging me to one side

"Jennifer, you can tell me you're fine all you want to but whether you are or not you're withdrawn- which is not only a danger to yourself when we're in the field but it's a danger to the other members of the team. You need to go back to the hotel, rest, recuperate for a couple of days. It's an order JJ, you're off this case, go"

I set my jaw, preventing myself lashing out "Hotch, I can handle this- it really isn't necessary to send me to the hotel"

"-It's the Hotel, where you have our company in the evenings or home"

I accept his threat, weighing up my options, the hotel would be best, at least at night I'd have Em

"Fine, I'll go"


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Okay this is where the story starts it's M rating. There are triggering scenes of self harm that some readers may find disturbing. Readers discretion is advised.**

I sit in the centre of the large queen size bed, my mind going a mile a minute.

I really wish I wasn't cooped up here alone. At work at least I'd be occupied, I'd have the others for company, here I'm alone, stuck with my thoughts.

Well, my one thought.

My mind is focused on that medium sized diamond of glass sitting in my pocket. How much I want to take it from the paper, feel the cool glass between my fingers as it slashes across my skin. I want it to be the physical pain that takes away from my internal battles.

I can't sleep, eat. Everything reminds me of that fucking basement! Of him. I need this.

I tear the paper towels from around the glass and when it's resting in my hand I feel a power I haven't felt in such a long time

This makes it right.

I bring the glass closer and closer to my arm- my hand surprisingly steady, I imagined I'd be terrified, I'm not.

I'm afraid when I relive the pain he caused me. I can't control that. When I attempt to get to sleep at night, I don't know if I'll dream of him- how bad it'll be. At this I know what I'm doing when I'm doing it.

This has routine. It's perfect.

I press the jagged edge in and as I watch the blood flow out of the gash I breathe a sigh of relief

I really needed this.

After another couple of cuts- one quite deeper than the others the room is spinning, the combination of my lack of food and blood loss becoming very noticeable

I can't sleep, not here. When Emily comes in later she'd see the blood and I'd get a whole ream of questions on how it got there, what's wrong- questions I don't have appropriate answers for.

I press my hand over the cuts, doing as best as I can to prevent the deep crimson blood staining the crisp sheets- ruining them

I stumble to the bathroom and check in the medicine cabinet for any bandages I could use to cover these. I find a mini bottle of antiseptic and a couple of band aids- close enough

I pour the antiseptic onto the cuts and the sting causes me to flinch- ironic no? The cuts themselves couldn't be any less painful but cleaning them stings like a bitch.

I peel back the protector on the band aid and stick it down on the cut, doing the same thing with the other- leaving one of the smaller cuts visible if I was wearing a short sleeved top- thankfully I brought my hoodie and blouses for formal wear, they won't get the opportunity to be seen

I lean against the sinks cool porcelain and sigh, feeling my whole body calm. That really was what I needed.

Now what I really need is some sleep. I hate the idea of sleeping, especially without Emily around because I know I'll wake up alone and terrified but I do need it

I make my way out to the bed I was just sitting on and I crawl in under the duvet and comforter, covering myself up and I attempt to sleep, praying the nightmares won't be that bad this time

xx

"Wake up Jayje" I hear her soft voice at my ear and I moan gently

"Em?"

My eyes crack open and I smile seeing her sitting over me "Hey, you okay?" she asks running her hand through my hair and I nod, opening my arms making me look like a child desperate for their parents attention

Thankfully she lies into my embrace and I feel her lips press to mine

"I missed you today Jen" she tells me and my heart soars, she actually missed me. It's nice to know she doesn't feel trapped with me

"Any developments in the case?"

She shakes her head, sighing "No. Not really, we'll get there, don't worry. How're you feeling?"

"Okay"

Her brows furrow "Have you eaten?"

I sigh, shaking my head "No, I was sleeping most of today Em, I'm not really hungry"

She touches her fingers against my cheek "Jen, it's great that you're sleeping but you really do need to start eating again"

I bite the inside of my cheek, I don't want to be snappy with her because I know she only wants what's best for me "Emily please, stop putting so much pressure on me"

"I'm just saying-"

There's a knock on the door and Emily calls whoever it is in

Garcia peeps in, smiling "Hello my beautiful ladies, I'm here to see if I could borrow our blonde bombshell for an hour?"

Emily looks to me, silently communicating with me, asking if I'm alright with going and I nod turning my attention to Penelope

"Of course Pen, let me just tidy myself up a little"

I walk into the bathroom and brush away the sweat beginning to roll down my forehead. I'm so tired, I'd love to go back asleep if I'm honest but Pen obviously needs me for something

I run the brush through my hair and pull it into a loose ponytail, readying myself for the time out. I look horrendous but I've lost all will to care.

I walk out of the small bathroom to find Garcia and Emily talking- more whispering to each other, most likely about me.

"Are you ready Pen?" I ask attracting her attention and she stands from beside Emily smiling brightly at me

"Sure Jayje, see ya later Em"

We both leave the room and I know from the tense atmosphere between Penelope and myself that whatever's going to happen isn't going to end well..

xx

She brought me to the hotel restaurant. Emily obviously hasn't told her I haven't been eating- or she has and they're plotting together to try and get me eating again

We take our seats and after we order- I opt for a salad that I don't intend on eating much of- Penelope starts talking, in a much more ominous tone than I'm used to hearing from the bubbly woman

"JJ, I don't want to seem rude but I really feel like I need to talk to you- especially because none of the others seem to be" she sighs, picking her glasses from the bridge of her nose and rubbing her eyes "JJ we're all really worried about you"

My eyes narrow "who's 'we all' exactly?"

"The team Jayje, who else? Hotch told us today that you stepped back from the case- that scared us. JJ, I need to know you're okay, you need to talk to me because you aren't really talking to anybody and keeping everything bottled up isn't good for you"

I'm touched that she's concerned, I honestly am bit if I'm not going to talk to Emily about certain things, the woman I love, I'm not going to tell Garcia

"I'm fine Pen, honestly. Sure I'm having nightmares but it's to be expected. I told Hotch I needed some extra time to heal and he was kind enough to give me it. That's all, I really am okay"

A little white lie here and there never hurt anyone.

"If everything's okay then why have you stopped eating?"

My eyes flash with anger "I don't think that's any of your damn business Penelope and to be honest I'm pissed off that you and Emily feel you have to plot with each other behind my back rather than confronting me!"

"Jayje-" she attempts to stop my rant but I interrupt

"Great! I'm not eating, I'm also hardly sleeping either! Did she tell you that? I-I'm stuck in this living hell Penelope and everything's just falling down around me- all because of that horrible man! I don't need you and Emily bitching about me behind my back as well!"

"Jennifer!"

I've never heard her call me by my full name. Ever.

I stop, letting her continue but she's again interrupted by the waiter dropping off our food- but as he walks away she clears her throat and continues

"First of all, Emily isn't talking to me about you at all. Em's in love with you, if she wants to talk she'll talk to you, she has no reason to come to me. Secondly JJ, it's hardly a secret that things are bad. I didn't need Emily to tell me you weren't eating because in the last two weeks alone Jayje you've lost a scary amount of weight. I love you and I just want to help"

The tears are rolling down my cheeks and landing either on, or directly beside my untouched salad

"I'm sorry Pen- I-I-"

"No need to apologize blondie, just know I'm here alright? 24/7 I'm around. Please talk to me"

I nod, smiling weakly "I'll talk to you Pen, when I feel up to it, just not now. Thank you though"

"No problem JJ"

It's quiet between us, until Pen's eyes widen

"Wait! I never asked- what's going on with you and our brunette baby doll?"

I smile and roll my eyes, it's nice that everything seems to be normal between us again

"We're an item Pen, it's early days but she's sweet to me"


	9. Chapter 9

Emily's hands massage my shoulders as we lay in bed together that night and my muscles still ache despite the tender massaging

I ache all over and honestly her massaging is really making things worse than better. I pull away from Emily, mumbling a thank you and I lie against my pillow

Emily sighs from behind me "Jen, what happened with Garcia?"

"Nothing, we just talked"

Her hand rests against my side "So what's upset you? You've been very quiet since you came back"

"I'm just thinking about stuff Em, I'm alright" I turn and face her and when I see the look of concern on her face I feel really bad for worrying her- she's so great to me

I need to start treating her like she deserves to be don't I?

I don't want to lose her.

"If you want to talk Jayje, I'm here alright?"

I nod and press my lips to hers "I love you. Thanks so much for being here Emily, I don't know what I'd do without you"

She turn the bedside lamp off and pulls me in close "Goodnight Jen"

"Night Emily"

Within minutes I'm asleep, which at first is peaceful- that is until the darkened peacefulness is twisted and formed to my hell

I'm in the basement again, chained up with Hastings standing in front of me shouting threats- that's nothing new, none of it

Then I hear a soft moan and my eyes widen when I recognize the voice- Emily?

My hands, chained above me, begin to tremble. Why is Emily here? How did he get Emily? She doesn't know the codes, she doesn't know anything about the operations. I need to her her out of here.

"M-Michael, let her go. Let her leave and I'll give you anything you want, please"

His poisonous, twisted chuckle reaches my ear and when I look up his hateful eyes meet mine "You think I'll let her go? Jennifer, sweetheart, you're an idiot. I'll let her go and then what? You won't tell me anything once you save your precious little girlfriend"

"I-I will, please- let her go" I beg him but it's no use, he's clearly not taking any notice

He walks over to Emily, who's chained up similarly to me, except she's kneeling and he caresses her cheek- causing the bile to rise in my throat.

The thought of his hands on her kills me but what makes it worse is the sound of Emily's sobs

I turn, it's done awkwardly, putting continuous strain on my wrists and causing the metal to draw blood but I don't care- I need to keep an eye on Emily

I watch him, listen as he shouts abuse at her and slaps her around but no matter how much I beg him he won't leave her alone. He knows she's my weakness and he'll hurt her to get to me

"I'll give you the code! Please! Please leave her alone!" I scream but it's no good, he has his mind set on what he's going to do

He pulls a handgun from his jeans and presses it to Emily's temple "Do you love her?" he asks Emily who nods

"Are you willing to die for her?"

"MICHAEL! PLEASE!"

The shot rings in my ear and I hang there, frozen in terror, he killed her.

She didn't know anything. Why would he!

Oh God, I couldn't save her and I was the reason she was here! What sort of girlfriend am I?

I'm going to be sick.

He walks back over to me, full of confidence "Look what you made me do JJ" he tuts slipping the handgun stained with Emily's blood into his jeans "this is your fault. You being here is your fault, her dying is your fault. This is all your fault you silly bitch. I'd nearly turn that gun on you now"

"I-I... Michael what did you do?"

"I did what had to be done- now, let me finish"

He pulls the gun from his jeans again, points it at me and wastes no time in pulling the trigger

The bullet tears through me and all I can think as I feel the shattering pain in my chest is that I deserved it.

_I deserved it._

I jump awake, oh God, I just dreamt that Hastings killed Emily.  
This is getting batshit crazy.

My hearts thumping in my chest and the urge I have to regain my power. I really want to do it- just once.

I look to my left, Emily's still fast asleep. It's the perfect opportunity.

I slip out of bed, throwing checking glances on Emily, I don't need her catching me at this.

I lock the bathroom door and dart across the room to the medicine cabinet. I open the door and immediately pick out the small paper-covered piece of glass

I hold the glass against my arm a couple of inches below my wrist and I press it down, not quite as deep as the previous cuts but enough to make it hurt

I watch, the blood slowly rolling towards my hand and I can't help but blow out my breath, I needed that so badly

I turn on the hot tap and stick my arm under, watching the water tint a shade of pink as it mixes with my deep red blood

I decide to just stick a band aid on it and go back to bed, I am really tired.

As I unlock the door I'm met with a half-asleep Emily "Jayje? Everything alright?"

I nod and walk back to bed, slipping under the covers as I watch Emily go in to the bathroom.

I lay back, running my hand under the long sleeve of my pajama top and I fidget with the band aid

Hopefully now I'll get an undisturbed sleep- earlier after I did it I didn't have a nightmare. It was the best sleep I had since this whole ordeal started.

xx

"Jennifer!"

I jump up at the sound of panic in Emily's voice and when I look up to her I notice her line of sight- the bloodstained sheets

Oh Christ.

I can't lie, there's enough blood here to make it look like a murder scene. This can't be blamed on anything else, I'll need to come clean won't I?

"JJ are you alright?!"

Her eyes frantically scan my body as I stand from bed and she notices the source

"What's happened JJ?" She moves towards me and I recoil, not wanting her to see them but of course she doesn't let it drop

"Jen, show me your arm" she holds her hand out in front of her, grabbing for my arm and I shove her back

"Get away Emily. Don't touch me"

"JJ what have you done?!"

"Emily, _please_!"

She stops me walking by her, this time keeping her grip on me, unlike the day in the office "You aren't talking your way out of this JJ. Show me your arm, now"

I'm shaking under her grip but she doesn't ease up

"Emily, let go of me"

"Show me what you've done"

Knowing I have no escape now I just do it, I yank up my sleeve and reveal the four cuts- the freshest one hardly covered by the cheap band aid, obviously the source of the blood and the other three that are showing slowly progressive signs of healing

Emily releases her hold on me and backs away, not daring to meet my eyes. She looks disgusted.

Am I surprised? No.

"H-How.. JJ, why? Why did you do that instead of talking to me!"

"Emily, you don't know! This made me feel better, it stopped the pain as twisted as that sounds"

She's silent, mute- to a point where it becomes awkward and I feel as if I should say something to break the tension

"I should've talked to you, I'm sorry but nothing was helping, I could talk all day everyday but it wasn't helping. This was helping"

"I'm sorry Jen. I shouldn't have been so aggressive- I was scared- you can't keep doing this, it'll get out of control.. I'd know"

My eyes widen, she just admitted self harming, didn't she?

"You'd know? Emily, did you-?" I ask and she interrupts

"I used to, when I was younger. JJ, you really need to stop this. I know how hard it is to quit and I won't try and delude you, it'll be tough but you need to do it. Please"

I hang my head, I've disappointed her and that makes me feel sick but what's worse is I don't regret it. The cutting helped me.

"Emily, I really don't think I'm able to give it up"

"Try?" She asks softly and I nod but deep down I know no matter what she says I'll end up doing this again, it's helped too much for me to stop now

"I'll try"


	10. Chapter 10

We're home now and after two weeks and six cuts things between Emily and I are less than ideal.

She caught me a few days after she'd asked me to try and get better, in the hotel room one slash in.

I wasn't expecting her back for hours, to be honest if I was I would've hid it better. I hate lying to her but she doesn't understand, I know she went through something similar but she doesn't understand what I think when I do it, how it soothes me.

I wipe away the tears rolling down my cheeks as I bury into my pillow and I let myself cry properly. Crying- another thing I'm completely fed up of doing.

After a few minutes of sobbing I hear my bedroom door crack open "Jen?"

I don't answer but hold in my sobs, I don't want her to hear me more than she has already

"JJ" she's closer to me now and after a few seconds the bed dips, she sits in beside me, running her hand gently over my side "Please don't cry"

"I-I'm so sorry Em- I don't want to disappoint you-"

"You aren't JJ, you aren't. You promised me you'd try and well, you are. It's just hard for you. I'm sorry we're arguing as much as we are" she tells me as she runs her hand through my hair and I turn and bury in closer to her

"I love you" my sobs get heavier again and she comforts me, whispering words of comfort

"I love you too Jayje, you should try and sleep some more, you were tossing and turning all night"

I nod, she's right, all last night I hardly slept. If I wasn't worried about Emily and me I was worried about nightmares or caught up with thoughts of cutting.

I hate this.

I know that this is going to end up in Emily leaving me. Sure, everything's fine now- she's still in the forgiving stage. How many more times will I have to let her down before she leaves me? How many times will she accept I'm sorry?

She covers me over with a blanket from the bottom of the bed and wraps her arms around my waist

"Everything will be okay Jen, I promise you everything will be alright"

I'm asleep before I get the chance to reply but her words really do help me, hopefully someday it'll help me enough that I'll be okay again

xx

"JJ, sweetheart- dinner"

I sit up in bed and when I see her smiling face I too smile. She's so dedicated to helping me and I need to start being dedicated too

"Thanks Em. What're we having?" I ask as I pull my dressing gown around me

"Lasagne"

I smile despite my stomach turning, what used to be my favorite

I take Emily's hand into my own and we walk down the hall together. She notices I'm different, I feel her glances over to me and I smile and kiss her when we get to the kitchen

"Thank you for this"

She chuckles and pushes some of my hair behind my ear "For making dinner?"

"For not leaving, for not giving up"

"Of course I wouldn't give up on you Jayje. I love you and you're trying to get better, that's all I ask"

We walk in and I sit at the table, watching Emily plate up the food

"Anything I can do to help?" I ask, realizing she must be tired, she's running around after me a lot

"No, no thanks Jayje, you relax"

She sits in across from me, putting down my plate in front of me

I look down at the portion she gave me, it actually looks manageable. She didn't give me too much, thankfully, so I'm not overwhelmed by this, I can do it.

I pick up my fork and knife, cutting off a small section of the lasagne

I can eat this, I can.

I eat a couple of mouthfuls and I notice the smile on Emily's face as I take a sip of my water

"It's gorgeous Em, you did a great job! Just how I like it"

"I remember. You told me that night at the restaurant, remember, the last drinks night we had?"

I laugh thinking back to that night, before Doyle, before this "I almost forgot drinks night. We should do drinks night again, when everything calms down a little"

"Yeah we really should. Actually, JJ, there's something I want to talk to you about" her voice is soft but scratchy and I bite my lip and nod, already knowing what's going to happen

"Jayje, I know you don't want to, you don't think you need to but I really think you should speak to somebody, a professional who can help"

She's right, I really should talk to somebody. The nightmares are still bad, my stomach still turns at food, I'm scared.

Emily has really helped me but maybe I need to go get help

"Who should I go to?" I ask and her eyes widen

"Uh-um, I'm not sure. To be honest I didn't think you'd agree.."

I slip my hand into hers across the table "You're right, I do need to talk to someone- Em, I just need to know that this will be kept out of work. I don't want this to affect my job"

Emily nods, squeezing my hand "Of course. I do think you should tell Hotch though. You don't need to tell the team but I really think Hotch should know"

"Yeah, maybe I'll tell him. I'll see how it goes first, okay?"

"I'm proud of you, you know that?"

My heart warms at her support and I lean over, kissing her cheek "I love you"

"Love you too Jayje"


	11. Chapter 11

Emily's hand rests comfortably in my one, which has a slight tremble in it as we walk into the clinic

"JJ, what you're doing, it's really great" she tells me and I nod, not really listening

"Thanks"

We sit into the chairs opposite the office with "Dr Hennessy" printed on the door

I don't know if I'm ready for this, what am I meant to say?

Michael's dead, so saying he can hurt me makes me sound crazy.

I stopped eating out of fear of a dead man.

I'm cutting because it's the one thing that I found that helped

I don't know how I can honestly talk to this doctor without seeming crazy- I guess I kinda am though. If I wasn't I wouldn't be here

I sigh and I look over to Emily, who's supportive eyes meet mine "It's alright Jen, it's just talking okay? You can talk to Doctor Hennessy and when you start to feel uncomfortable you can stop"

"Okay.." I sigh running my hand through my hair "Okay. Yeah, you're right Em. Thank you"

"No problem Jayje"

"-Jennifer Jareau?" A redheaded woman I assume is Doctor Hennesey calls from the office door and Emily squeezes my hand one more time

"You'll do great" she tells me and I stand to my somewhat unsteady legs

"Thanks Em, see you later"

"Good luck JJ"

I walk towards the older woman, I'd guess she's in her early forties.. she has a kind face, I know, it seems odd that that's something I pick up on but she looks like someone that can be trusted.

I smile politely at her when we meet at the door and she closes after me as I take my seat on the leather couch in the dark room

It's darker than I imagined, I was expecting it to be bright, a sign of optimism, I guess not.

"So Jennifer, I'm Doctor Charlotte Hennessy. There's no need to be nervous" she says walking to the armchair across from the couch "I'm only here to help"

"Call me JJ" I say, my voice a lot more broken that I was expecting it to be

"Okay JJ, we'll start easy enough. You wanna talk to me about work? You work with the FBI?"

I nod and smile "With the Behavior Analysis Unit. It's a very challenging but rewarding job"

She smiles at me, making a note on the note pad in front of her "So, you wanna talk to me about why you're here? You don't have to go into much detail but give me the basics"

"Okay.."

xx

It was a long hour.

Relaying the details of what's got me to where I am really has not made me feel any better.

I'm being quiet, quieter than usual and I know Emily's concerned.

I talked to Charlotte about when I was abducted- not going into a whole lot of detail- but I did go into detail about the affects.

She was interested to hear about my eating, sleeping and of course the cutting.

I talked her through the eating problem, how I feel and to be honest she gave me some really great advice.

She told me to start small with my portions and eat all of it, clear the plate. She said it'll be challenging the first few meals but eventually I'll get the hang of it

Emily pulls up outside the BAU and I look over to her "What're we doing?"

"We have a case" she says grabbing our kit bags from the back seat and I check my cell phone

"Why did you find out before me? Why wasn't I called-"

"I got Garcia to call me just in case you were in with Charlotte" Emily tells me and I storm towards the office, my mind in overdrive

"And how exactly did you justify it to Garcia-"

"I didn't have to, she accepted it and said she'd call me with any cases. Not everybody needs to have everything explained to them Jayje, Pen just said she'd call me"

I sigh, shaking my head, she doesn't get it "You're making me look weak Emily! Like I can't handle work-"

"You know right well that was not my intention!" She snaps back at me and I roll my eyes

"C'mon, I'm sure they're already waiting on us"

"Jennifer, stop it. They can wait for a couple minutes more, talk to me before you go in there" her hand slips around my wrist but she doesn't put too much pressure on it, she knows they still hurt sometimes, she knows I'll jump away from her

She was only trying to help me wasn't she? And I was so snappy.. God I'm so insensitive sometimes

"I'm sorry. I just don't want this to interfere with work, I want everything to look normal, I shouldn't have snapped Emily, sorry"

"I shouldn't have talked to Garcia without asking you, sorry"

She moves her hand down from my wrist and interlocks out fingers "I love you"

"Love you too. Now, we really do need to get upstairs"


	12. Chapter 12

"Okay my pretties, the creeper we're dealing with this time has been killing families. The Roberts, the Jeffersons and the Lowenstien families were all attacked in their homes over the last week and all family members were killed- the three fathers were hung and the houses were ransacked yet it doesn't look like it was for robbery as very very pricey jewelry and large amounts of cash were left behind. I'm sending crime scene photos to your tablets as we speak"

I scroll through the gruesome photos Garcia sent and I take a deep breath, attempting to calm myself- no matter how many cases we have, how many dead bodies we see, it's always worst seeing the children

I don't understand the cruel people who can kill defenseless, innocent children

Emily notices it's affecting me, even now. I feel her eyes on me and when I look across Morgan to her she smiles sympathetically at me

'_You okay?'_ She doesn't ask it, not verbally but I can tell and nod in reply, smiling back as best I can

"So baby girl, any suspects yet?" Morgan directs his question to Garcia over the phone who we hear typing away at her keyboard

"I've sent you some files, Boston PD have some suspects but they can't nail them- read through them and see what you can make of them"

"Thanks baby girl, we'll call you when we land, let you know if we need anymore info"

"Peace out"

The call disconnects and Rossi, Reid, Emily, Hotch and Morgan start talking about suspects, course of action and different things, things I'm not focused on.

I'm hungry.

My stomach growls quietly and I think back, I've eaten a lot more in the last couple of days, maybe the more I eat the less I can do without?

All I know is if I have any hope of getting back to normal I'll need to eat, especially now that I'm hungry

I excuse myself to the jets cramped kitchen and check the mini-fridge, grabbing a chocolate bar that I hope hasn't been there too long

I fill myself a glass of water- being extra careful not to drop the glass this time, I haven't cut in a few days but I highly doubt temptation could be resisted

I walk back out and slip in beside Emily this time, feeling more comfortable eating in front of her and as I take a bite of the bar I look over to Emily who's smiling brightly

"You seem a little better?"

I nod and take a mouthful of my water "Yeah, I got hungry Em" I smile and Emily kisses my cheek

"Keep eating then. I'm proud of you"

"I'm actually proud of myself to be honest Emily"

"And you should be, you've come on very far, even in the last couple of days"

xx

"I think Briggs could be good for this" I say reviewing the evidence pinned up on the bored in front of us all and Morgan nods

"I'm with Jayje on this one.. It's very coincidental that he was caught 'jogging' a few blocks from the Roberts house that night"

"Well" Hotch cuts in on our speculation "we'll need something solid to go on and there's nothing more we can do tonight"

Tonight? I check my watch- 9pm. Wow, time flies when you're hunting killers.

The four of us, Reid, Morgan, Em and myself finish up, Hotch rushing out saying he has a meeting with an old friend.

We tidy away our files and once we're done Emily turns back to face the three of us who are pulling on coats before going into the cold Boston night

"Anybody up for a drink?" She a asks and the two boys nod, but I don't

"Actually guys, I think I'm gonna go back to the hotel, I'm tired so.."

Emily looks me over and nods "I'll come with you-"

"No" I lower my voice "I'm fine, go for a drink"

"You sure?"

I nod and Emily kisses my cheek- the other two giggling behind us like a pair of schoolgirls

"Shut up you two, I'm getting more women than you are" that effectively shuts them up!

"I'm sorry, women, plural?" I ask and her hand cups my cheek

"Woman, just you"

Morgan makes gagging noises and Reid erupts into laughter, making Emily turn and glare at them

"Seriously guys," Derek says once they've both caught the glare and stopped themselves "we're really glad you're together" he gestures between himself and Reid and I nod

"Thanks boys, now if you'll excuse me that hotel bed is calling my name"

"-no that's just memories of Emily Jayje"

Even I laugh at that one but Emily is beyond unimpressed

"Get out" she growls to the boys and I flick the lights off as we leave

"They're only playing with us Em, don't go too hard on them" I squeeze her hand and kiss her once more

"Have a good night, you deserve a break sweetheart"

She nods and wraps her arm around my shoulders as we walk outside "I won't be too late. Jayje, if you feel..."

She can't finish, I assume because she doesn't want to hurt me "-If I feel tempted, I'll call. If I have a nightmare I'll call. I'll call you Em"

"Okay, see you later"

We get into out separate cars and I sigh biting my lip, I hate lying to her but I have to, she can't know about this..


	13. Chapter 13

I walk into our Hotel, I don't feel as bad for lying now because we're meeting in the hotel but Emily was so sweet to me, I should've told her the truth

I scan the crowds searching for her and when I see her sitting by the bar I smile, she hasn't changed a bit

"Anna!" I call when I'm that little bit closer to her and she looks up, her eyes widening slightly

"Jenny, is that you?! Oh my God! Where's my tomboy gone!? Look at you.."

I pull her into my arms, hugging her tight. It's only now I realize how much I've missed her "I was about to say the same thing Annie! Look at you, having babies" I gesture to her bump and she runs her hand over it, a comfortable smile on her face

"My first- only a few more weeks to go"

"I feel as if I should take you home" I chuckle and she rolls her eyes

"Don't you start that too, Peter is getting on my nerves-"

My jaw drops "Woah! Anna, you're having Pete's baby! Our Pete?"

She nods and pats my thigh "Sweetheart we have a lot to catch up on- but that can be done later, you said you wanted to talk to me about what happened.. That you don't need to catch me up on, you were on the news"

I bite my lip and Anna squeezes my hand, smiling supportively "Jenny, c'mon, we've been best friends since high school- I'm not going to judge you on anything you say to me.."

"What happened, it was horrific but it's the aftermath that's the problem- I, uh, stopped eating"

She understands now why I called her here "You need advice?"

"I do but not for the eating, that's.. getting there. I need relationship advice. How did you keep your relationship going when you went through all this? I mean, I love Emily but we aren't being very couple-y, she's caring for me and to be honest I hate it. I want things to just be normal"

Her understanding eyes meet mine "I don't envy you Jenny, it really was the worst time of my life. Listen, I know things are rough but you'll need Emily- it was Emily wasn't it, sorry I'm still shit with names"

I laugh heartily and nod and she continues

"You'll need to depend on her as much as you hate it but you can do other stuff too. Work out dates, obviously don't go for dinner if you don't feel up for it, go to a movie. You need to keep eating though.. So why didn't you bring this woman of yours here? How do you expect me to judge how good she is for you if I don't meet her"

"Uh that's the thing, she doesn't know I'm here"

Anna leaves down the orange juice she's been sipping and makes me look up at her "You didn't tell her? Where does she think you are?"

"In our room.. I couldn't tell her Anna, she'd start questioning me about in the meeting and I'd have to tell her I was asking you for advice and then she'd think I can't handle what's happening- I just don't want our relationship to suffer because of this"

"And it won't as long as you don't let it- lying about where you are for instance isn't a great idea"

I swallow thickly, she's right, lying about tonight probably wasn't the best idea.

"Yeah you're right-"

My cell rings out and despite the piano's music I hear it- Anna too because she bites her lip

"If that's her good luck"

I quickly excuse myself and rush to the lobby, where it's a whole lot quieter

"Hi Em" I answer the call and she sighs

"I'm sorry for calling Jen, you weren't asleep were you?"

"Uh-um no, I was still awake. Is everything alright?"

"There's been another attack, another family. I'm sorry but we need you"

I nod and run my hand through my hair "Sure Em, I'll meet you at the station"

I rush back into the bar after I've disconnected the call and apologize to Anna, I hate that our time has been cut short but work comes first. She assures me it's fine, that she understands and we swap phone numbers promising to keep in touch

xx

I survey the scene in front of me and sigh, this is a horrible case and the sooner it's over the better

Hotch and Emily are discussing the murders- the two children and Mother laying on the living room floor soaking in their blood and the father hanging from the banister of the stairs, held up by rope

Then, I hear it

"Uh, guys, that's a baby crying, isn't it?"

I run up the stairs, doing my best to overlook the dead body dangling from where I'm walking

"That's definitely a baby guys!" I call and they all follow me up and into a room where we discover I'm right, lying in a moses basket at the back of the room is a beautiful little baby wrapped in a pink blanket

I walk over and check the young girl, who has no visible injuries. Whoever's doing this couldn't kill a baby- something I'm very thankful for because if we'd found this girl dead I don't know how I'd have coped

I hold the fussing girl close to me and look up, seeing the team looking as relieved as I am

"He couldn't kill the baby" Reid notes

"Yeah, he has one shred of humanity" Emily spits, her anger towards the killer obvious

"What'll we do with her?" I ask, smoothing the tufts of light hair down on her head

"She'll need to be checked out at the hospital and then CPS will take her I assume" Hotch tells me and I look up to him

"Can I stay with her at the hospital?" I ask and he nods

"That's a good idea, we'll brief the Boston PD on who we're looking for and when you get back we'll review on what we have"

I nod and watch as they all file out- except Emily

"Jayje, you can't get too attached to her" she walks over to me and rests her hand on my arm "CPS will take her after she's cleared by the doctors"

"I know, I know they will but Em look at her, she's so cute" I tickle the girls stomach and she doesn't fuss, she giggles

"Want me to come to the hospital with you?"

I shake my head and lift the girl up to my shoulder "No Em, I'm fine" I kiss her cheek "I'll call you later, okay?"

"Okay honey. Take care of her" she smiles and touches her hand to the girls head

"I will Em"


	14. Chapter 14

I sit rocking the sleeping girl in my arms as I wait for the doctors to come back in. The attending physician said that the girl looks incredibly healthy so the tests should back it up and she should be on her way

The doctors called child protective services and they said they're sending a social worker to pick her up

If I'm honest I don't want to see her go

She's been through so much and putting her into care isn't the way to deal with it. She's young, she'll grow up in care, alone. It's not right. She should be with a family now, one that loves her and can bring them up as their own.

The doctor walks in, smiling "She's a very healthy little girl Agent Jareau. We actually have her birth on file, baby Rachel Garretson, 5 months old. Everything's fine, we checked her over"

I look down to her, she looks like a Rachel, they picked a really great name for her.

"So what happens now? Are CPS taking her away?" I ask, running my hand over the sleeping girls stomach and the doctor sits in across from me, a smile on his face

"Agent Jareau, we've called CPS already, they're sending a SO. Uh, I get the feeling you're unhappy about letting her go?"

I sigh and look her over again "Yeah.. I am. I don't think it's fair on her to be going into care, she should grow up in a stable family. She doesn't deserve it" I rock her and the Doctor nods

"Miss Jareau, if you feel strongly about this baby girl, if you have a bond with her and are dedicated to her, I strongly suggest you look into adopting her"

I bite my lip, it's so much to take on. Could I really adopt her? I'm not all that stable myself, I'm getting better, sure, but am I able to handle this?

What about Emily? This would be strain on a relationship that's hardly even begun.

I need to think about this- but I don't really have that much time do I?

"I'll think about it, thank you Doctor-"

"-Murray"

He leaves the room, leaving me to my thoughts. I leave Rachel down in the portable cot and take out my cell, speed dialing Emily

She connects the call after a couple of rings "Hey Jayje, how's everything going?"

"Not bad. Rachel is completely healthy"

I hear the smile in Emily's voice as she replies "That's really great Jen. So what's happening with her then?"

"Actually, Em, that's why I'm calling you. Are you able to get an hour off and come down here?"

"Uh.. yeah, sure Jen. I'll be right there"

xx

"You want to adopt her? Jen, are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, that's a huge responsibility" Emily tells me, sitting on the side of the hospital bed

"It is, a huge responsibility Emily but I really don't think it's fair to put this innocent little girl into care. I know, she could get put with an amazing family tomorrow, she might grow up loved and cared for but Em, she mightn't and she doesn't deserve it after what she's been through at this young an age"

Emily nods, taking my hand "If you're sure you're up to this Jen, I think it's a great idea"

"Really? You'll support me in this?" I'm shocked, I thought she'd run a mile

"Jen, forget for a second that we're together. I'm your best friend, I'll support you in anything that makes you happy. Now that we're together that applies even more, if you honestly want this, I'm here for you"

I walk over to Rachel's crib and take her in my arms and when I look down at her sleeping form I smile to myself and walk back over to Emily "Hold her"

Emily opens her arms and takes the sleeping girl, holding her close. After a couple of minutes Emily nods, meeting my eyes "You're right, she's a beautiful baby girl. I can see why you think she'd be perfect for us"

"Do you think it's a lot of pressure Em? On us, I mean we haven't even been on a proper date yet"

She scoffs, rocking Rachel but talking to me "Honey, let's face it here, we've been on countless dates, they just haven't been called dates. We've had dinners, drinks. We know each other better than we know ourselves- we can handle this"

"I love you Emily"

"Love you too Jen"

xx

Aaron walks in, closing over the door and I sigh seeing his expression

"JJ, are you seriously considering this?" He asks and I roll my eyes, it'll be harder to convince him than convincing Em

"Yes, Emily and I are seriously considering this. I wouldn't bring you into it except I have to" I'm snappy with him, I thought he'd support what would make me happy

"JJ, Emily told me you and her were together a while ago but I'm only asking in your best interests, not to deter you- are you both ready for children?"

"We are Aaron. We're ready for this"

"Well, in that case, best of luck with this Jen. If you or Emily need a letter of recommendation or anything I'm ready and willing"

xx

I sit down in the hospital cafe smiling into my plate of pasta carbonara, it's amazing how much one day can help improve your mood

I eat a few forkfuls of the pasta and laugh to myself, this is crazy. What should've been a horrific day- finding a murdered family and all that- has been one of the happiest days of my life

My life is falling into place, everything.

Now, I do realize that things aren't just magically going to heal themselves.

I'm eating meals now and again but I'm far from healthy, I still have a lot of weight to put back on. I still get tempted to cut- I'll need to keep therapy up with Charlotte but I really think I can get better

Emily has made so much of a difference and she doesn't even know it.

I'm going to have to make her see that, everyday of our lives together. I'm going to make sure I make her as happy as she made me.

**AN: Okay so I'm going to end it here. I have exams and stuff coming up and I really can't commit if I was to make it any longer so I thought it was best to end it here.  
I'll write one more chapter that skips ahead to when they're home but that'll be it for now. If I get enough feedback I may consider a proper sequel in the future.  
Thank you for reading and your support!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Sequel**

Rachel's sharp cries drag me awake and I hear Emily's groan from beside me

"Jennifer! Your turn" she snaps and I laugh, she's really not a morning person- or a 3am person

I smile lazily to myself, I have no problem getting up to her, she's our little angel who's helped me through a lot

I pull my nightgown around me and walk out and across the hall to Rachel's nursery

I get to the crib and smile seeing the girl obviously desperate for a feeding

"Oh baby, c'mere" I lift her up and put her over my shoulder as I start making up her bottle.

After it's sterilized and I've tested a drop on my skin, checking it's at the ideal temperature, I sit into the rocking chair and watch as our little animal drinks off the bottle in no time

She's been in our lives for just under seven months and they've been the best in a while. Everything with Emily got better, not worse- although, from how she talks to me at 3am you wouldn't guess.

I suppose, even the saints aren't perfect all of the time- and she is my saint.

Everyday I woke up and didn't have to drag myself out of bed, I got up smiling. I'd play with Rachel, take her to the park, shopping.

Work has definitely been out on the back burner. I've been taking holidays, God knows I have enough saved up. I just want her to be happy here.

We're having a party tomorrow, it's her first birthday and to be honest I cannot wait!

We got balloons, cake everything. I'm expecting an excellent day, even if Rachel has no clue why it's happening.

"It's very quiet in here, thought you'd fallen asleep Jayje" Emily says slipping in behind me, bending down to kiss Rachel's head and my cheek

"No, no, I'm still awake" I say sounding very excited and I can tell Emily's rolling her eyes

"You're excited about this party tomorrow aren't you?"

"I am, very excited. Aren't you?" I ask and she wraps the blanket from the back of the rocking chair around the three of us

"I am, but I'll be even more excited in the morning, ya know, when I'm fully awake"

I chuckle and look back to her "I love you Emily Prentiss, ya know that?"

"Love you too Jayje- both of you"

xx

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" They all cheer as Rachel looks wide eyed at the candle flickering on the cake

I smile and pin the small pink bow back in her rapidly growing blonde hair for the twentieth time in the space of an hour, she's adamant to pull it out every time I put it back in- to Emily's amusement

"Should we do presents then baby girl?" I ask bouncing the girl in my lap and Garcia scowls at me

"You're not stealing my nickname" she points her finger at me and I hear Derek's chuckle

"Oh Pen, baby, you don't need to worry about anybody stealing your nickname. You'll always be my baby girl" he winks and Garcia laughs

"Well in that case, presents are go!"

xx

I walk into Charlottes office, smiling.

It's unusual, the first time I came in here the office was horribly dark, I remember I made a mental note- I hated it. It seems so much brighter now, maybe it was a mental thing- or maybe the blinds were drawn that day?

"So Jen, how's Emily and Rachel?"

We sit together on the couch and I nod "They're good, great! It was Rachel's first birthday yesterday"

She smiles "Wow, I bet you had a great time! Enjoy quiet birthdays while you can- soon she'll be running around with nine or ten other screaming children and by the end of it all you just be ready to fall into a nice long bubble bath"

"I'll keep that in mind" I chuckle and I remember why I came "Actually, Charlotte, I came here for a reason"

"You're finishing, aren't you?" She asks and I shake my head in disbelief

"Well, I'll give you a word of advice, if this therapy thing doesn't work out I highly suggest you go be a psychic"

"Jen, it's hardly detective work, look at you, you're practically glowing. You're happy now, really happy. You've put that horrible time behind you- focus on Rachel and Emily and everything'll work out great, even better than it already is"

She's right. It's all behind me now. Now, I can focus on Emily, Rachel and who knows, maybe in the future a couple more babies?

All I know is I cannot wait, no matter what happens, the ups and downs, because I have my best friend beside me through it all and that's all that matters.


End file.
